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Apr. 9th, 2013

marpat, me, airsoft

Mental Heath

Its not very easy talking about mental health, its one of the reasons why I have suffered on and off.  I guess whenever I am okay, I try to forget about it and think it will not happen again.
It took me a while to notice that it happened every 3-4 years, At the time I thought it was a terrible job, a failing relationship and that is why I was down.
However since the kids have come along its important I look after myself for their sakes so I have been working with professionals to figure things out.  After having more downs and I guess more experience.  I started to see a cycle.  Maybe I wasnt depressed just because the job was rubbish, I disliked the job as I was already down and not putting 100% in.  Maybe the relationship was failing as I had just become depressed and withdrawn.  I would forget the down bits and move on.
I had seeked help here and there over the years, but never continued with the help after my mood had lifted.  I also generally got terrible help, the doctors just passed me pills and or offered to sign me off work.  I also tended to move doctors a lot, so my notes got lost, which prevented them from seeing any pattern.
So finally I have got help.  My psychiatrist also had a bunch of notes from over a decade ago.  I had forgotten I had been to them.  Did I mention I get holes in my memory (that bits important).
Now the psychiatrist fella is about ready to diagnose me, He can see many examples of me being down.  However I haven't got many examples of me being up or manic.  It might be that, I don't do them.  Or it might be that I have gaps in my memory.  So in other words, I have ticked all the boxes for type 2 bipolar, but he wants some more information to rule out type 1.
So when I find it very hard to talk about mental health to people I am close to, it is going to be even harder talk about this, especially as some of the people who would most likely know are in the past.  Its going to be a tricky things to do, but I have to get on with it for the sake of the kids and also myself.
I'm not really after that much advice or people to actually read this as I know LJ isnt used that much these days, Its a step for me to admit it before I start talking to people.

Apr. 2nd, 2012

marpat, me, airsoft

Mini Holiday

Well the weather forcast was good
I had a weekend where I wasnt seeing the kids or working (quite rare these days, one every other month or so)

So I booked a Haven camping spot for the weekend in mablethorpe and headed to get some sea and sun

Was nice to camp just for the sake of camping and not for another event.  However it did get to below zero during the night prompting us to leave the tent at 4am and head for a 247 McDonalds.

Even with the cold I really enjoyed it and am looking forward to the 2 other events I am booked into, which are
The barefoot festival - i went last year for a day and it was ace, I have booked the whole weekend for me and the kids and it should be a lot of fun
The rock and bike fest - Just taking friends to this one as it was brilliant last year.  However if I have access to the kids I might take them during the day as its suprisingly child friendly.

The one camping event I havent managed is to take Megan to a LARP this year, still low on froth for LARP but will try and fit it in at some point.

But do need more camping and chilling out in my life

Feb. 23rd, 2012

marpat, me, airsoft

Got to start blogging again

So this morning I got to the doctors, I engaged health care

Normally I am down, they give me medication, I get a sick note I go away as quickly as possible

I take the meds for a while (with no positive effect, just side effects), I forget, I have what only can be described as a manic episode for 2 days coming off the medication.

I only go to the doctors when I am on a down, I just want to get the hell out so don't engage to try and get help.

Today I changed this
I went in feeling okay, I explained I DO NOT want medication.  I explained my ups and downs and symtoms and of these

We talked about some examples of highs and lows

On a down I can be scared of going out and being attacked, I feel it would happen and I would get hurt. On a high I would really like someone to try attacking me as I believe i would rip them apart.
On a low I have no sex drive and think nobody should find me attractive.  On a high I'm very sexual and err lets not go into this too much as its kind of what caused me to goto the doctors.

So I'm booked onto counselling and I've been told to record the highs and lows
I am going to start blogging again, this might be boring for people so feel free to de friend me

Jun. 18th, 2011

marpat, me, airsoft

Hello, long time no see

 With no internet for a while I havent been using LJ much, I might even drop it.  

I am in my new place, its nice.  It's me and not me cramped and unhappy somewhere else.
I'm in Burbage near Hinckley.  I wanted to get out of Coventry, I did 8 years ago but ended up buying a house there as Claire worked for the council.  So when I was looking I wanted something cheapish and out of Coventry but suitable for work and seeing/having the kids.
Now I don't like Birmingham so ended up going this side, its half way to my folks and nearer places I know.  I don't actually know anyone within walking distance its kind of an odd choice in that its in the middle of everything I want but not next to anything. 

The flat has lots of natural light and room and I seem to be a lot happier here, also I can keep it to my standards and I don't have a television on all the time.  Its a place for me and the kids, they could come and live here as the space is as much theres as mine.  

Work is going alright, I will be offered a permy job, so there is some security.  Not what I want to be doing but it pays the bills.

Things with Claire has been stretched a lot, we have sorted out regular visitation, which is good.  I get the kids every other weekend for 2 nights and a meal inbetween.  I also get a week at the summer holiday and I am making plans for that now.  It's not enough, I really drop mood wise when they go and the place feels empty.  They are growing so fast and I am missing out on so much.  The weekend they came,Megan found a dummy for Robyn in the drawers they have here, its only afterwards I found out that Robyn has given up the Dummy for about a week.  However it was pretty much impossible then to get the dummy of her.  We really need to work together and be consistant with the kids.

May. 14th, 2011

marpat, me, airsoft

Move next weekend

 So the big news at the moment is the move

After splitting up I ended up at my folks and it really doesnt work when your in your 30s.  Then thanks to S&S I got a place in Coventry.  Which was great at the time.

However my housemate has got a LOT of stuff and moved in first.  I still have stuff at my folks and at my old house and am under pressure to move it.  Also Its not big enough here for me to have the kids for the weekend.  So I have to take them to my folks which means arranging it with them and the ex, then getting there and putting up with the way they do things.  Not ideal at all, so I have needed my own place for a while.

I have never lived on my own, Other than with the folks I lived in Uni (shared house) and a number of partners sometimes with housemates.  I really don't want to live with a partner, I want to put my kids first, then get my career back on track.  Yep it will be handy for some social things.  But the main things I am thinking about is getting the spare room in the flat ready to have the kids over.
I don't have much to move and it all fits in the car.  Also I have over a week to do the move so it shouldnt be stressful, last thing I need is to wear myself out and have time off work.
So I'm moving to Hinckley area, Burbage to be exact.  Not far from the M69/A5 which is good for seeing the kids, work and social things.

Mar. 4th, 2011

marpat, me, airsoft


Think I might be getting too old to go out to 2am, sleep at 3, then off to work at 6

I'm leaving the weekends free to see the kids so generally go out in the week.  Next week I am out, Tuesday, Wednesday and either Thursday or Friday :-)

So the week after next I am going to see the Levellers and Wonderstuff.  I asked for a late shift the day after and I am now gonna do the 1am to 9pm shift.  Hmm sleep till lunch....

However being tired tonight aside I am feeling pretty good.  Have a couple of dates coming up and other social things and I might even start to think about a proper relationship soon.

Feb. 13th, 2011

megan sleeping on daddy

Weekend Report

Well, I stayed in most of Friday night then nipped out late for some fun.  There's two parts of my brain fighting here.  One says, don't spend any money, the other says you need to relax and be ready for the job.  At the moment I am trying to do both.

Saturday I picked up Robyn and we went for a picnic to Hawksberry junction and chilled out, later we picked up Megan from Issys party and headed to my folks.  The day went rather quickly as I crashed once the kids were in bed and slept myself.  Which to be fair is a better option than having to watch the soaps.

Sunday we went to baby Katherine's christening.  The girls looked fab, I wore my grey suit which I havent wore for a while (gotta check my other suits for work as well).  They were well behaved and even just watched when I went forward for the godparent thing. 

We later on had lunch at my folks and I took 2 very tired girls back to their mummy.  I had spotted pocahontus on TV, its one of the disney princess films they havent seen.  So they could chill out and watch that.

Feb. 8th, 2011

marpat, me, airsoft


Well Monday I started on all the paper work I need for the new job.  Blimey its a lot
Several financial ones, which is all good as I want to get paid and the right taxes
Several ones around ethics, okay not soo bad
then all these various signatures and things I should read

In the end it was about 20 pages I printed out and took to the agencies office in Coventry.  I hate paperwork :-(

I took the long route to the office and really enjoyed a long walk on the canal.  Later when I got back I sorted out some other things and did some online work for the munch and post sinergy on Sunday.

Later I got a call from Claire, She couldnt calm Robyn down at all.  When Robyn visited mine last I lent her one of the toys here, a peppa pig ball,  I told her she could bring it back when she comes for a sleep over.  I think she thought I would be upset and she wouldnt be able to come over for a sleep over.  She loves visiting me and even plays sleep over when she comes over.  

I talked to Robyn and Megan on the phone and managed to calm them down.  Afterwards I walked to the range and got a new ball and sent it picture message to Claire in the hope it would cheer Robyn up more.

Feb. 2nd, 2011

marpat, me, airsoft

This week

Well I should be starting work on Monday assuming all the paperwork and such things are sorted
I'm waiting for a proper confirmation of hours/pay etc, so I can get to the job centre and push for some back to work help.  Last time they got me a tank full of fuel and some trouses.  That kinda thing would be really helpful right now... I dont have anything in the way of savings to cover me, so hopefully a tank of fuel would last me the week and I can do packed lunches and hope there isnt a work night out.

Might sound odd but its important to network with people at work and to fit in, its something I havent done in all jobs and have suffered for.  I'm not a sociable person, I don't like putting up with people I do not like.  However in the world of work its an important thing to do.

Things with Claire are not great, early in the week she told 2 lies, two little pointless lies, I didnt even call her up on them, but have decided to just get and drop off the kids and not engage her in conversation.  I don't know why she feels the need to lie for no reason, I've asked her not to but she just does it.  So I think its best to just see as little of her as possible.

Feb. 1st, 2011

marpat, me, airsoft

New Job

 Well this morning at 10am I had a phone interview for a job in Birmingham.  Working for a insurance claims companies IT support, contract for a month, decent rate starting tomorrow.  Phone interview went well.

Half an hour after the phone interview, I had a call from BT, offering me the job I interviewed for the other week.  Now its much longer term, about the same cash and easier to get to.

A couple of hours later I get offered the other job.

Glad I picked the right job as long term to perm is the right thing to do.  The commute to my last job was 54 miles there and over an hour.  This job will be 15 Miles and just over 20 mins.  The cost saving in Fuel and car wear alone is really going to help.  I am very worried about surviving financially for the first week or two as being unemployed and christmas has destroyed my savings.  Once I have the offer email I will be down the job centre to see how they can help me.  But I will have to borrow money and cope.  Hopefully I will be paid weekly or fortnightly, which will help a lot.

The only downside is it's near Coventry and with everything thats happened I really wanted to get out of Coventry and have a fresh start.  But I can do this job for 6 months, sort some things out and then start looking for a job in Leicester.

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